I have a secret

I have a secret. Are you ready? Alright, here goes.

I never saw myself as an author.

Nope, never. Now you know. It’s a scary thing to admit for someone who now thinks she may be a writer after all. Most authors say they have always been writers. They spent ages trying and trying, determinedly pursuing their dreams. They ate, slept, dreamed, and breathed writing from the time they were very young. Or they put it aside for more ‘realistic’ careers and came back to it when they were old.

Not me. However, much of that does apply to me. I may not have always thought I would be a writer. That’s probably because I was to busy being absolutely sure I was going to do something with horses. Then I decided to be a full time Mom instead. It’s been a very rewarding and challenging career for sure. The retirement plan sucks though.

It’s not that I didn’t write as a child, I did. Especially as a teen. I think I was always writing something. At first it was stories about cool girls with awesome horses because I wasn’t a cool girl and I didn’t have a cool horse, not till later. And that’s what stories have always been to me, a way to give yourself something you don’t have. Characters to fall in love with when your own love life sucks. A stellar horseback career when you are stuck on the sidelines watching from the paddock fence. The best friend that’s the second most popular girl in class, after you of course. Or peace when you have none. Some of my most personal writing came during some of my darkest hours. When I was furious with the world I wrote dark angry poetry and it made me feel better.

Sometime after I started feeling better I stopped writing. I think for me it had become a reminder of what was wrong with my world and once my world was righted I didn’t feel like I needed it anymore. That’s not to say I stopped creating. I always have and suspect I always will be fascinated with the creation process. It doesn’t matter what you are creating as long as you are creating something. I like to create colorful rooms in my house that help set my mood and make my house feel like it is very personally mine – much to the dismay of my husband who has a extreme dislike of anything involving paint. I like to scrapbook from time to time and spent a while as a digital scrapbook supply designer. I love to do crafts with my kids.

My favorite way to create over the past few years has been photography. If you had told me, and many have, that I should pursue photography I would smile and nod and tell you that I’d like to. Someday that is. You know that someday where we suddenly find ourselves with more time or more money. But if you’d told me that I should pursue writing I would have not even answered with Someday. My writing days were when I was a child.

Truly I blame all the other fantastic writers in the world. I have had the Alex’s ( Delaware and Cross), Edward, Eric – swoon, Daemon, Tyrion, Harry, Richard Rahl and Jamie just to name a few to keep me plenty of company over the years. Its funny I find myself gravitating to the male characters as a grown up ( and what girl wouldn’t in that company) but I also can’t forget my heroines of my childhood – Christy. Charlotte Doyle. The authors of these compelling and enduring characters, as well as the millions of other great authors of fascinating books out there have been my constant companions, I really haven’t felt any need to sit down and create my own.

Except this one little nagging thing. For the last several years there has been a girl in my head. No, she’s not me or even a younger prettier me although she is young and undoubtedly beautiful. This girl though, she’s been coming to me in those quiet moments when the kids are in bed and the dogs are asleep and the day is over. Or those nights where I can’t sleep and I lay in bed wishing I could because I have to be up in a few hours. Or in the shower where I don’t sing but I do think and again, this girl comes to me. And she stands there in front of this towering rocky pass and I know if she takes one step forward everything in her world will change. Everything. And I know that she does not want to go but she feels she has no other choice.

For so long I have seen this girl I finally started trying to ask her what her story was. Asking her what her choice was. Trying to get to know her. Well once I got to know her I couldn’t stop thinking about her and her story so eventually I just decided to sit down and write it out. Once I started it became an obsession and now her story is done and now I want you to know her too because I think if you are anything like me you just might like her. If thing’s go well you will have the chance to get to know her soon. Right now though, I’ve sent her out in first draft form to visit a few friends of mine. Once I hear their thoughts and I finish some majorly needed editing I’ll introduce you. In the meantime, I’ll try and stop by and update you on how it’s going.